| Worse Than Cows Eating Sheep! |
| Posted on 01/12/03 at 06:15 by cruithneacht |
Oh lordy! This story began in a Belgian maximum-security prison, back in the early seventies. Down in the hellish surroundings of X wing, a group of incarcerated pedophiles had molded a small body out of dry shite. They would each share their creation on a nightly rota system. They had named the model, Suwannee, and they would ride it senseless, rather like a Stuart Gilmartin wanksock.
Now these buckeens were beyond all hope, and they were pretty much left to rot in these dungeons of mentalism. Until one day, a scientist be the name a, Robert Winston, discovered this den of depravity, and decided that he would analyze these beasties in order to find a better understanding of the lower echelons of human nature.
Robert studied these sick-twists in great detail, and soon came to the realization that they were madder that a Bjork orgasm. He concluded that civilization could gain nothing positive from these abhorred fiends. Completely disheartened, he threw away all the case studies, as they were about as significant as a man finding a peanut in Milton Keynes, or a knat farting agin a hurricane, or a pigeon dreaming about snooker. Robert booked his ticket home.
On the proposed day of his departure, he received an urgent call from the prison warden to shelf any plans of returning home and to get to X wing immediately. Barging through the prison doors, he was met by chaotic scenes of scientists, priests and nuns, running wild about the corridors. Suwannee was six months pregnant! (There were no teabags left, so the nuns were told to feck off home!)
Well holy shite biscuits! Those durty mooncalves had been riding Suwannee for so long, that their demon seeds had found some way of creating life. And not just one, x-rays established that Suwannee was expecting triplets.
This became far too big for Ray to deal with, so a lock of German white coats were brought in to sort out the mess. They removed the shite-babies and nurtured them to full health.
One baby was sent to France, and raised as a nomal boy. In 1997, he was arrested for taking photographs of a dying Princess and her lover.
Another baby was kept in Germany, where he later went mad, cutting off his own penis and frying it for supper. Before being sectioned, he achieved chart success producing DJ Otzi and Scooter.
The third baby was handed over to Robert, and is currently a social parasite, living in Greater Reading. His list of achievements goes as follows: -
1) On a school trip to an animal sanctuary, he poisoned the last two known red squirrels in Southern England.
2) As a teenager, he made the Guinness book of records for the largest puss filled boil known ever in existence. It encapsulated his entire head. It exploded at a Liverpool football match, melting the face off a young boy and Kop hero, Tommy Smith.
3) At university, he was actually killed fifteen times. A regular at the local A&E, there were 147 attempts on his life during his 3 year termship.
4) Started his own pay per view corn site, with zany pictures of corn in varied states of preparation.
5) The first non-criminal to be banned from large areas of Greater Reading. Infact, whole neighborhoods re-located to escape his japery.
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