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| STU AND SIMMO'S FORUM |
| Posted on 25/11/03 at 11:13 by Samuel Buck It |
A semi-deserted internet forum. Two lonely souls gaze at each other's navels, wondering how they can dominate 'their' forum and rid it of the 'ubermongs'. They're firing ideas back and forth, some good some not so good. Stu is dressed in a fancied up football shirt: one half AS Roma; one half Linfield FC and one half Glasgow Rangers. This is offset by lemon coloured towelling shorts. He's bare-footed. Simmo is a quare looking fellow, over six foot six in his sock soles, he wears a T-Shirt fashioned out of Neil Hannon set-lists and Stevie Wonder's sunglasses. His trousers are made from Gerry Adams' beard clippings, dyed green, white and orange.
Late Evening.
STU
(holding up a placard) Here hoor. I've made a sign (reading) "No Girls Aloud". CLASS.
SIMMO
(pointing to the board) You've got a mistake there, shag. And what about Vieri?
STU
I (making wee inverted comma signs) bucked her to death, remember?
SIMMO
Oh yeah. They REALLY fell for that one.
STU
(smugly)
Heh.
SIMMO
So, who's on the list of mongs?
STU
Vague-ass...
SIMMO
(interupting)
Natch...
STU
ISK; Starfish; Sid; Feckstar...
SIMMO
Of course...
STU
What about Vialli?
SIMMO
Jebus, aye. Get it on.
STU
No way dude. I'm not getting it on with her or him. She or he is a bucket-bliffed mangirl yeti with all the sexual allure of Bert shining his chinstrap with a bottle of Brasso whilst eating wasp-soup out of Fidler's three day old wanksock.
SIMMO
(counting the in-jokes) LARF. How DO you think these up?
STU
Shurrup, Brains.
SIMMO
And AGAIN. You am de best, Stu.
STU
Yeah.
SIMMO
Here, should we set up our own forum, just for us two, like?
STU
What about when one of us is off or away or summat?
SIMMO
What like when you're in court and I'm at me cousin's?
STU
Aye.
SIMMO
Well we'll just carry on as we've been doing when it's just the two of us - inventing loads of characters to entertain ourselves. They're wasted on the others anyway cos they're all either southern knackers or Brits. Like fred elliot he's your best ever creation. He's like all the Manc stereotypes you could ever think of all rolled into one.
STU
(all pleased with himself) Aye, I am particularly proud of fred. But what about John-John, I think we should let him onto our forum to lend some gravitas to the whole thing. With us two in there it might take off like some big comedy juggernaut and eat up all the other interweb stuff.
SIMMO
Yeah, if there's one thing you can rely on John for, it's to take the fun out of any comedy.
STU
Okay, so it's you, me and John? How'd have thought that taig and prod would live in peace and harmony like this?
SIMMO
Hold on, the Prods'll outnumber the Taigs.
STU
(belligerently)
Yeah, as it should be, you dirty soapdodger.
SIMMO
(all mardy like)
Fock off, when's the last time Norn Iron qualified for a major international tournament?
STU
(Shouting. Bile is streaming out of his eyes, ears, nose, mouth and mickey)
When's the last time Taig Ireland had eleven proper Irishmen in their team?
SIMMO
Fock you...
We'll leave our two heroes for now as they descend into another cod-sectarian row that has no basis in fact, reason or tolerance...
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