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| The Matrix Revolutions condensed |
| Posted on 12/11/03 at 01:31 by Bert |
Note: This wasn't written by me, it's the work of A N Other Forumer off here. But it's too good not to be up on here, so I'm taking the liberty of posting it. If the person responsible doesn't want it up, I'm sure Hun'll take it down.
Neo: Hi little Girl.
Little Girl: Hi Neo. I can't act for shit, but I'm still better than you.
Neo: Dude, like, totally. What am I here for?
Little Girl: You're stuck in limbo, between the Matrix and the real world. We'll do some more obvious religious imagery later on. Right now, I'm gonna R-U-N-N-O-F-T with the mad pilot dude from Mad Max.
* little Girl escapes on train *
Trinity: Hi Oracle. You look different than before.
Oracle: Yes, the original actress who played me died due to the shame of the boring last movie. I'll now repeat some nonsensical plot device which supposedly 'explains' why I look different. God, the Wachowski's suck.
Trinity: We need to find Neo.
Oracle: Well, you could just wake him up, but why not go to a bad S&M club and stare at Monica Bellucci's tits?
Int: Bad S&M Club. Trinity, Fat Morpheus and Chinese dude like TOTALLY flip out on some badasses. They also enter an elevator and press the button for 'HELL' in yet more transparent religious imagery.
Trinity: Give us Neo.
Meringue French Dude: No. Give me the Oracle's eyes.
Trinity: ?
Monica Belluci: Aren't my tits ACE?
Trinity: I'm gonna kill ALL you bitches.
Trinity flips out and karate kicks EVERYONE, then points a gun at the French dude. Despite not having even primed the gun, none of French dudes bodyguards shoot her.
Trinity: Give me Neo.
French Dude: OK then.
Audience: Jebus. That wasn't so hard. What was the point of the French dude?
French Dude: To speak cod philosophy in a mad French accent, brainses.
Monica Belluci: *wobbles breasts*
Int: A train station. Neo and Trinity KISS. They then go back to the REAL WORLD.
Neo: I must go to the machine city. ALONE. I need a ship to take.
Trinity: I'm coming with you.
Neo: Oh, OK then.
They leave, in their own ship. Big Fat Morpheus and Mrs Will Smith take another ship. Back in Zion, there are lots of stock shots of mewling babies and crying wimmin. Some big walker things walk around, shooting guns from their fricking arms.
Angry Black Dude: You're all supposed to hate me because I don't believe Neo is the new Jebus, so I'll shout and yell a lot. We have TWO hours to save humanity.
Some machines get into Zion. The walker dudes shoot them. This goes on for several hours. Eventually a bald-headed Vasquez clone, also from Aliens, rescues the day with a home made bazooka. The audience is unimpressed.
Mrs Will Smith does mad flying skillz, and nuclear bombs Zion, but this only kills the machines. Everyone cheers.
Meanwhile....
Neo: I can see everything, as I'm the new Jebus, but I can't see that Agent Smith is on the ship and about to give me a mad melty face.
Agent Smith: MWA HA HA HA HA
*sticks mad melty electricty in Neo's face, burns his eyes out*
Neo: Bummer.
Trinity rescues him. They fly their ship into space. Trinity sees the sun and sky for the first time, like EVER.
Trinity: Oh shite, I've seen something really beautiful. That must mean I'm going to die now.
Trinity dies.
Neo: Don't die Trinity.
Trinity: I have to.
Neo: Don't die Trinity.
Trinity: I have to.
N.B. This continues for several hours.
Trinity dies.
Audience whoops and hollers.
Neo walks around the machine city. Big mad machine could kill him, but doesn't.
Neo: Hi Big Mad Machine. Agent Smith is totally flipping out. If I don't kill him, he'll kill us all. Despute the fact you control the Matrix, the people, everything, you can't control one stupid programme and need my help.
Machine: OK dude, you go kill him.
Neo: Fine, I shall kill Agent Smith in an SFX orgy of destruction which still looks like it took place in a disused set of Se7en.
Neo is reborn in a flash of light. The light comes out of his heart in the shape of a crucifix. Just in case you didn't, like, totally get that he is Jebus.
Neo kills Smith.
Neo: OK Machine dude, I killed Smith. Now, what say you stop the other machines killing Zion, and we go get a beer and live happily ever after?
Machine Dude: Sure, Neo. It goes against everything from the other 2 movies, where you've fought against the machines, but obviously the Wachowski brothers only wrote one film originally and have no idea how to end this one, so lets do that.
Int: Zion, Morpheus and a mad killing robot machine do a high five, everyone cheers and yells.
Dumb Kid: YEAH!! Neo like totally SAVED US!!! I told you he would.
Audience: But the machines still rule things, you dumb bitch, nothing has changed.
Morpheus: Verily, Neo is reborn. He is the new Neville Chamberlain. I told all you bitches.
Oracle: And if you think that isn't lame enough, now's where I come back and set the scene for more sequels.
Audience: BOOOOOO, leaves.
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