Dear Bert,

As a long time admirer of the cult that is Bert, through the wit and wisdom and spot-on female advice you have delivered to the forum over the years, I was
wondering is there any official "Ask Bert" merchandise?

If not, how about printing up some t-shirts of Ipswich's finest?

Yours in hope,

Dr Fact

Dear Dr. Fact,

If there's one thing that annoys me, it's deciding to start all my responses with "if there's one thing that annoys me...", then not being able to think of anything relevant that annoys me when somebody like you writes in. But that's really neither here nor there.

Your suggestion of Ask Bert merchandise places me in an immense philosophical quandary. As you are no doubt aware, an egomaniac like me would like few things more than to see his own likeness adorning the chest of skinny students the length and breadth of the land. A young person trying to mark out their own identity in this world could do a lot worse than starting off by co-opting mine. Garments bearing some of my more famous observations would not only cut a dash but would doubtless serve an invaluable role in the ongoing struggle against The Man in all his nefarious guises. That sneaky old rascal would be sent scurrying into the shadows by the blinding righteous light of John-John shining at him from a thousand scrawny chests.

On the other hand, ever since my brief but passionate affair with Naomi Klein, I have become all too aware of the evils of logos and labels, and how The Man uses them to coerce the masses into carrying his propaganda. If I was to encourage such behaviour, would this make me a pawn of The Man myself? Or worse still, would it make me every bit as evil and manipulative?

And so, brainses, for the first time ever, Bert's stumped, and he's coming to you, the masses, for the answer. Would Bert merchandise be right or wrong? We'll take it as read that it would be prepared to my usual high ethical and environmental standards, with minimal use of labour by dwarves or spackers or what-have you.

I really need to know.

Yours piously,
Bert