Dear Bert,

Having taken the massed advice of the mongs on the forum, I now find myself single, bitter and aging and have suddenly discovered the bars in town are full of skimpily dressed 18 year olds making all over twenty five year olds feel inadequate.

Could you please advise me of a safe and reasonably priced plastic surgeon?

Yours desperately,
humfry hedgehopper

Dear Humfry,

If there's one thing that annoys me, it's birds who are clearly gagging for a bit of John-John action, but won't speak up. If this letter's your way of asking me out, you're going to have to raise yer game a bit.

Putting that to one side for the moment, I dunno what your problem is. Blokes are pathetic creatures on the whole, and a good three quarters of them will be only too glad to buy you a drink if you just walk up and brazenly ask for one, no matter how physically deformed you might be. Try it - when you eventually get knocked back, you'll know you've found me. And by that stage you'll be so pished that you might think I'd get a game. So everyone's a winner.

Next.

Yours piously,

Bert