Dear Bert,

I have recently moved to a new area as part of my job. However my selfish hoor of a missus insists that she wants to keep her 'career' going. As far as I can see this means getting as much publicity as possible while doing fock all productive.

A few of the local lasses are showing an interest in me and a couple are certainly worth a bang, unfortunately thanks to the bint's 'career' there's always some twat taking photers.

As a far travelled man of the world, what steps do you recommend I take?

Dear "twentythree",

If there's one thing that annoys me, it's wimmin that use their fellas as a means to an end. This clapped-out hoor of a wife of yours needs to realise her time in the sun is up (and right enough, it's fairly taken its toll on her - Jebus, her skin's like a prune). Let's face it, she never had much going for her in the first place, and she's worked her tiny amount of talent for far more than it's worth as it is. So tell her to fuck aff out of the limelight and be thankful for what she's got.

And as for you - you're not exactly wet behind the ears yourself when it comes to using the media to make people think you're more talented than you are, are you? Youse two are made for each other. And don't complain about your photo appearing in the paper every time some local hoor comes up and talks to you - that's what happens when you sell your soul to the Man, daddio.

And no, you can't go off and buck the wee Spanish hussies. You should've thought of this before you married that ugly harridan. Since you've no use for them, I would suggest that you point them this way for some John-John action. If you're having trouble knocking them back, don't you worry, I'll manage it.