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| The Mysterious Shrinking of Neil Hannon |
| Posted on 18/09/06 at 06:25 by Cruithneacht |
The Mysterious Shrinking of Neil Hannon.
"If this carries on, I'll be no bigger than Shaun Wright Phillips!" shouted Hannon, towards the team of dumbfounded genetic scientists.
Hannon had explored many theories regarding his loss of size, but theories were not what he required at this point in time, what he really needed was to be cured from this terrible affliction, and end its progress before he disappeared from the earth completely! In the past twelve months he had returned to wearing children's clothing. He was currently kitted out in a range of clothing that would suit a boy of 10 to 12 years old!
It was during a fundraising gig for the potato peelers of Derry where Hannon first noticed he was shrinking. During a passionate performance, he aimed a wild kick to drive home a certain lyric, and one of his shoes slipped off and killed a jockey. The following week his pants fell down, and a quick witted passer by confirmed that there was indeed nothing in the woodshed. This was a disastrous turn of events for Neil, and he was starting to resemble something more like a Ronnie Corbett man-child type thing.
Meanwhile, a group of jockeys were ready to release Maurice Fitzsimmons back into society. They had discovered him down a well in Carrickfergus, and managed to temp him out with sugarcubes. They decided to keep him as a pet, and rehabilitate him in a way that only jockeys knew how to. Simmo was put through rigorous training, decorating hats and weighing himself, this brought about a new hobby for Momo, and a period of fierce gambling and horsing about ensued. This made the jockeys very happy, but there was one significant trait that no amount of jockeys could ever cure Simmo from.
Late one night, Hannon received a tip off that he may have been cursed by a jockey spell, possibly revenge for the murder of one of their ilk.
Consumed with rage, Hannon called upon the services of all the potato peelers in the city of Derry, of which there were many. As efficient as a small army, they rustled up jockeys from all over the place, finding them up in trees or sleeping under rocks.
They assembled all of the jockeys in a shed and a fierce interrogation followed, but not one of the wee fockers would crack, they even made the jockeys watch hardcore pornography, and a few of them actually died from the shock of it.
It was a week before a breakthrough was made, the jockeys were starting to miss their horseracing and the porn was starting to corrupt their child-like nature. The jockeys told the story of a man theyd discovered down a well and the multitude of problems that the man had accumulated throughout his life. Hannon recalled meeting such a man, he had even blackened his eye. This revelation caused a forest-fire of mutterings throughout the jockey contingent. They went onto explain that there was no such thing as a jockey curse, and if they were able to do spells, why would they not just magic themselves to freedom! Frustrated by the slow nature of events, one jockey leapt up and just blurted it out, "Der truth o dis situation is dis. He jus luvs ye too much, and dats all dere is to it!"
It was later explained in the voiceover from Morgan Freeman, that the sheer amount of love that Maurice Fitzsimmons had for Neil Hannon was just too much for the world to cope with, and as a result the atmosphere just decided to shrink Neil Hannon.
Environmentologists are currently monitoring John-John Connolly and his infatuation with Canada and its effect on the polar ice caps.
Momo has since been investigated for spiralling afflictions to Stevie Wonder, but all charges were dropped in exchange for vital information on the unknown habits and nature of jockeys.
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