*SPOILER* - This fillum is SHITE. If you don't want to know this before you'd read the review, don't read this sentence. Oh.
I went to see this film on the strength of the trailer, which was pretty rare in that it actually makes the thing look fairly appealing, as opposed to the Hollywood norm of either making it abundantly obvious how shit the thing's going to be, or laying out the entire plot in a nice 60-second summary and saving you the bother of giving over two hours of your life to the bastard. No, this trailer caught the attention by coming over all tense and edgy. Everything that the film itself should be but isn't.
It all starts to go wrong early doors when we're introduced to the leading characters. Any right-thinking person should go off them within the first thirty seconds of watching them flapping about packing the shit they're taking on holidays into the back of their 4x4 Lexus, talking on their mobiles to people at work who they've convinced themselves can't cope without them for a couple of days. Listen, you twats, you're not that important, and you're not that busy. You're just a big boring cliche with your chinos and your clapboard house. Catch yerselves on.
So off they go to some island or other, and after a brief bit of gratuitous nudity we're on the boat going diving. Lo and behold, the boat's full of dozens of other contemptible fuckers, and your usual instructor with his dead witty wisecracks he's delivered four thousand times. Yeah, yeah, very good, just dump them in the water and bring on the sharks, will ye?
The film finally "gets going" (it doesn't really) when they surface and find the boat's fucked off. For the next half hour or so, we're treated to these two fucking idiots (who, by the way, don't seem to have the brains to send all their dead heavy diving equipment to Davy Jones' Locker) bobbing about and generally being staggeringly inept (I mean, she gets a bit thirsty and drinks the sea water. Was she born fucking yesterday?).
Then comes The Argument. You know the one. "It's all your fault, you wanted to play with that eel" "Yeah, well, if we'd stuck to our original plans, we wouldn't be here at all, but YOU had to balls that up with your work" etc. etc. SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU BALLBAGS. All sympathy for their plight is gone. I'm now hoping Jaws comes out of retirement and swallows the cunts whole.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. I mean, the premise of this film is dead good. It should be a real edge-of-the-seat job the whole way through. But instead of "OHMYGODIT'SAFUCKINGSHARK", you're sitting there thinking "Oh, look. A shark". Tension? Nope. None whatsoever. So they bob around a while longer, sharks turn up now and again, they drift to a couple of hundred yards from a buoy, suggesting they're pretty close to shore, yet make hardly any effort to reach the thing, let alone climb up it and look for land, and eventually, well, it ends. I'm not telling you how, but I didn't see anybody wiping away tears on the way out of the cinema, I can tell ye.
So there you have it. What could've been a real innovative thriller of a fillum is actually a piss-weak, plodding pile of shite which leaves you cheering for the sharks. Don't bother.
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