So, being bereft of SOVEREIGNS and still WITH AN ANUS LIKE A CARPENTER'S NAILBAG after getting pissed the night before, your new film correspondant Roberto decided to SLIDE down to that terrorist-baiting "tallest cinema in the world" UGC in Glasgow. Which, incidentally, was opened a mere ten days after TEAM LADEN struck to such air-fare-decreasing effect in 2001. One can only imagine the MUTED, FLATULENT affair that was the "grand opening" of that particular filmhouse... special opening showing of "Airplane" with pakora and shish canapes, anyone?
Ahoy there, back to the point. First up on this GRUESOME TWOSOME was Zack Synder's DAWN OF THE DEAD. More of a conscious reimagining than a straight remake, quite simply this film is, in my humble opinion, the BEST fucking horror film to come out of THE LAND OF THE FAT in the last 20 years. Sure, the gore, MTV-cutting, quick pacing and reliance on tried and tested horror formulae aren't going to win any prizes for originality, but it works so well here that it's not hard to get totally caught up in it. The opening sequence alone was the scariest thing I've seen in years, and I could only cross my legs and grit my teeth as the inevitable TORTOISE'S HEID emerged from betwixt my QUIVERING BUTTOCKS.
Check it out - fucking 9/10 for this MODERN CLASSIC.
However, next up was an even more gruesome film, namely Mel Grimson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. This was always going to be a bad choice after such a grotesquely violent film, but after 2 1/2 hours of this CATHOLIC OPUS *I* felt like I'd been fucking crucified, let alone the beardy cunt with the holy hands ("holy", geddit?).
I'm not kidding - for the first 10 minutes, Jesus gets caught by the Jews. The Jews then kick his cunt in for the next 20 minutes. The Jews then pass him to the Romans, who kick his cunt in for an hour, then pass him back to the Jews, who then pass him back to the Romans, who kick his cunt in - walking up through the city - crucify him, then kick his dead cunt in with a spear. He then rolls the stone aside - Happy Easter you fuckers, there's your Hollywood ending.
The irony here is, most of what I've said is true. Sure, it's a violent film and is pretty disturbing at points, but whereas decent horror and shock flicks get their effect from the oscillation of these violent scenes with calmer, more narrative-led moments, this one is just pure spectacle. Characters are totally ignored, relationships abandoned, Mary Magdalene is a whore only insofar as she has glittery earrings on, and the entire film is one incessant act of violence against poor Jim Cavaziel, who by the end of it has the look of an ANOREXIC WITH BACON STAPLED TO HIS SKIN.
Spectacle, yes. Entertainment? No way - the violence just becomes boring after a while, and although I myself am pretty atheistic, there is not one HINT of passion or love for Christianity here, it's far too cold a film to be engaging and the whole thing is like the torture sequence from Braveheart, strung out for 140 minutes and with none of the nationalistic empathy generated by that BLUE-FACED CONVICT.
As for the anti-semitism angle, that's a load of fucking HORSE DUNG. Get this; the Bible is a fictional work, right. In this fictional work, it describes how Jesus was betrayed by his own people. It DOESN'T mention Israel, is set a couple of thousand years before the holocaust, and is based on the often conflicting stories of a number of cats. Gibson's film takes THREE PAGES from John and that's it, there's your pretext, making THE PASSION anti-semitic only insofar as it says the Jews killed Christ, which... ummm... the fucking Bible does in the first place.
There was a letter in the METRO today from some woman harping on not only about THE PASSION's proposed anti-semitism, but the engrained "RACISM, SEXISM, AND ANTI-SEMITISM OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH" into the bargain. I'm sorry, but these people should be gassed, each and every one of them, and whoever in the Metro staff allowed a vacuous rant like this should be made into a LAMPSHADE. If it's not the christian right who are collectively lowering the IQ of the nation when a film like this comes out, it's the NUTTERS on the left who need something to kick against to live their lives.
Sure, Gibson's film is a SHITER, but it's not a racist shiter. Worth checking out tho, just to see if your response to it is as tired as mine. 5/10 on a good day.
So, there's your two violent films - definitely worth a double bill on a Saturday night when you have ARTHUR GUINNESS' RING, except one's PISH and one's a CLASSIC.
As you were.
El Roberto
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